Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I'm Looking At the [Wo]Man in the Mirror -- or trying to, anyway

I've been feeling this indescribable haze, a general malaise of sorts, an aura I feel I must be exuding, poisoning others around me, for a significant amount of time now. There wasn't one day in which it arrived and settled itself over my soul, but it floated its way toward me in an undetectable, gradual way and it has continued to crush me under its immense weight of stress and worry and unpleasantness to this point, this day in time in which is has become too heavy a burden to bear.

There's been a nagging feeling in the back of my mind for several months now that I should take steps to ward off this haze. I've been telling myself to be proactive and my psyche or my spirit or whatever it is that "I"--which I take to be my conscious self--am talking to, mistakes this selfsame nagging for actual activity. So I haven't been taking actual action, instead resting upon this nagging feeling a "doing something"--a negative action, contrary to what I'd like to accomplish, all on its own.

But tonight, I took a first step. I consider it such because it effected a spiritual reaction inside me, so strong that I felt more inside myself than I had in weeks--no, years! I was feeling more connected, more in tune with my core desires and more self-reflective and self-conscious than I had been since high school! For my readers who didn't know me well then: I was writing in a journal an average of 6 hours a day for the majority of high school. I was the most self-reflective and self-connected person I've ever known.

Then I started thinking--this hazy, disharmonious feeling that I've been having has existed since I started college. I've been feeling angsty and powerless for even longer than I would have believed until I wrote it here.

But I've digressed--the first step: I read a book on the Kindle App about connecting with your spirit. I know, it sounds hokey and new age-y, but I began reading the book through extremely skeptical eyes, I promise. But I was also open. That nagging feeling in the back of my mind--I could no longer fool myself into thinking that I was doing something to get rid of this feeling. So I was open to the message of the book and I believe I truly gained something valuable from it, however fleeting.

Yes, I said "fleeting," folks. As quickly as I had dispelled the feeling, it was back. But don't worry, I consciously recognized the journey ahead of me wouldn't consist of steady clarity during my few moments of spiritual connectedness and it helps to remember that now, post-enlightenment.

Ah, I've written a novel about my favorite things--myself and change.

No comments:

Post a Comment